When you're pregnant, everyone says some version of "get your sleep now because once the baby arrives you won't get any." It's possibly the most annoying part of how others react to someone being pregnant, second only to strangers asking if you are having twins. As a new parent, you are fueled by some combination of hormones and new love that gets you through sleepless nights. But more importantly that this, you also get to sleep during the day when your little bundle is napping. For a newborn, this could be hours and hours a day.
Fast forward 18 months and it's a different story. When tot is awake, you're awake. And I've been unpleasantly surprised by how often our tot is awake. While other moms talk about a sold 12-hour, uninterrupted stretch of nighttime sleep followed by a leisurely 2 or 3 hour nap every afternoon, I practically salivate. On the best of days, our kid will sleep 10.5 hours at night and then take a 1 1/4 hour nap in the afternoon. On the worst, like we've been having for the past several weeks, she'll wake up between 1-3 times a night, wind up getting less than 10 hours, and then take a fevered one-hour nap in the afternoon. This nap is not so much refreshing for her, but sanity-making for me, and never, ever enough for either of us.
When I was pregnant, I had a friend who said to me, "Promise that you won't become one of those moms who stops hanging out with her friends after the baby comes." At the time, I assured her that this could never happen. But now, more than ever, I understand the wide-eyed, slack-jawed ignorance on both our parts. So, for anyone out there who does not have children and is feeling bummed out about how little they see their friends who do have little kids, I offer the following:
Parents don't stop seeing their friends because they are so in love with the baby that they can't stand to be away. It's because they are on a completely different schedule than you now. Their day starts at 5AM. They may be getting up several times during the night, too. All day, every single day, without a single day off, they cater to the needs of an unreasonable person who may not be able to even explain in a real way what they want or need, and who fly off the handle if a meal or a nap comes later than expected. They lift, carry, hug, change, feed, and help these little people all day and shuttle them to parks and activities and stores and in and out of cars. They do this all on much, much less sleep than you probably get and without the benefit of a break during the weekend.
Would that mom of an 18-month old rather be going out to happy hour with you at 5PM rather than trying to spoon food into their toddler? Of course she would. But she can't. Because no one else will feed this little bundle, and this little bundle needs to eat at the same time every day. Would she rather be out with you on the weekends, getting dressed up and feeling like she looks good? Of course she would. But she can't. Because no one else can get her baby to go to sleep at night, and she'll probably be up by 5AM the next day anyway. Parents of young kids aren't ignoring you because you're not fun or important. It's because they are exhausted, and trying to get a little more sleep had outranked you.
Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs shows that sleep, food, water, breathing, pooping, and sex are considered essentials, things that humans literally cannot live without. Yes, you read that right--sleep and breathing are equally important. You wouldn't be offended if a friend turned down a night out because it would mean breathing less. So please, when a new parent becomes "boring" because they start to stay in more and choose sleep over fun, give them a little slack. And if you are a real friend, offer to watch their kid so they can get some sleep. Or so they can just breathe.
