Well, hi again. I'm hoping to return to a semi-normal pattern of writing now that things are relatively calm and the holidays are over.
I'm not one of those people who usually gets stressed out by the holiday season, but this year presented some challenges that made Christmas feel much less Christmas-y than in previous years. Having this baby has been absolutely amazing, if not entirely all-consuming. There have been days when I have not showered, not eaten, not even really stood up much, and have just fed and rocked and fed and fed some more. Those days feel long, and leave me feeling as though one of my days has been sucked into a black hole of time that I'll never get back. They are also sort of sleepy days, lazy and oddly cozy. I wish the weather would get really, really crappy so I could make some cocoa and really settle into them. But for now, those days are few and, thankfully, far between, and I have retained some level of new-mom sanity.
There have been enough of those days, though, that I felt completely unprepared for Christmas and Chris's birthday when they rolled around. I actually had to send poor Chris out to buy not only all my family's Christmas presents, but the ingredients to his own birthday cake, too. I'm hoping that the fact that I am three weeks post-operative and am keeping his daughter alive will help him to forget and forgive me for this holiday season.
So, today is my first day alone with the baby. Chris was home last week but had to work a regular week from home, so I had a little practice, but I'm still feeling a little concerned. What if I fall in the kitchen and don't have the strength to drag myself to my quietly-starving baby in the bedroom? What if...actually, I don't have a lot of concrete concerns. I'm sure it will be just fine. There's just something a little intimidating about being the only person responsible for this little baby all day.
Most of you reading this will have already met Sophie, but if you haven't, let me tell you, we lucked out. This kid is incredible. She is easy-going, doesn't get too upset about anything (other than being hungry), and sleeps like a champion. There is no guessing game when she's crying. We don't have to run down a list of potential irritants, eliminating reasons and trying out different solutions. The answer is always that she is hungry. She doesn't cry when she's tired or wet or for no reason, like some babies. She is either 100% content or 100% hungry. She runs on a simple, baby binary system. She doesn't mind if you take your time getting her little onesie over her head, or if you kind of struggle to get her arms into her tiny sleeves. She just sits there, looking around with her giant, blue eyes, waiting for you to get your parental crap together. Unless she's hungry as you're trying to do these things. Then, she cries. When you feed her, she returns to her natural, happy state for the briefest of moments, and then she falls asleep.
I'm sure I'll write more now, and I'm sure that for awhile, most of these posts will have something to do with motherhood. Bear with me. I'm not doing much more at the moment.
Hope you've had the merriest of Christmases!
xo
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Thursday, December 15, 2011
It Was The Best of Times
It has been a long time since my last post, but I have the best of excuses: Sophie arrived on the 7th!
I've read other people's blogs and some have had a tough time talking about their birth stories until a lot later, and I'm going to be one of those people now. Those of you who read this who are close to me probably already know the whole story, and those of you who are further away can probably wait for any details I'll ever be willing to give. I will sum up the experience for now by saying that it was not the birth I had envisioned, but the baby is healthy, and so am I, and the three of us are all bundled up at home.
Our baby is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. She is beautiful, soft, sweet, easygoing, and incredibly lovable. The first time I met her, I could barely touch her let alone hold her, but that's all I wanted to do. And since she's been here, that's about all I've done.
She is happy and healthy and gaining weight steadily. She is a good eater, a good sleeper, has a great head of hair, and the most beautiful, big dark eyes that are slowly turning deep blue. She makes funny faces, she is cuddly, and she already makes us laugh. I can't imagine loving somebody more.
So please forgive my last entry, and rest assured when I say that all the discomfort from pregnancy and the birth are all distant memories, and I'd do it all again a hundred times over if that's what it took.
Hope all is well!
xo
I've read other people's blogs and some have had a tough time talking about their birth stories until a lot later, and I'm going to be one of those people now. Those of you who read this who are close to me probably already know the whole story, and those of you who are further away can probably wait for any details I'll ever be willing to give. I will sum up the experience for now by saying that it was not the birth I had envisioned, but the baby is healthy, and so am I, and the three of us are all bundled up at home.
Our baby is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. She is beautiful, soft, sweet, easygoing, and incredibly lovable. The first time I met her, I could barely touch her let alone hold her, but that's all I wanted to do. And since she's been here, that's about all I've done.
She is happy and healthy and gaining weight steadily. She is a good eater, a good sleeper, has a great head of hair, and the most beautiful, big dark eyes that are slowly turning deep blue. She makes funny faces, she is cuddly, and she already makes us laugh. I can't imagine loving somebody more.
So please forgive my last entry, and rest assured when I say that all the discomfort from pregnancy and the birth are all distant memories, and I'd do it all again a hundred times over if that's what it took.
Hope all is well!
xo
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Anwers to Your Questions
In the spirit of keeping up with this blog, despite really not having much to talk about other than The Baby, I'm going to answer some questions that have been asked of me over the course of the last few days.
Q: Are YOU still HERE? (This is usually asked of me every morning as I arrive at work.)
A: You can still see me, so...yes, I'm still here. I want every minute of my maternity leave to use after the baby is born. When I stop coming in to work, you'll know I'm not here. The biggest clue is that I WON'T BE HERE.
Q: Are you just super uncomfortable?
A: No, I am loving this extra weight attached to the front of me, along with the subsequent back and hip pain. Fat feet and swollen ankles feel amazing. It's better than chocolate. Yes, I'm kind of uncomfortable.
Q: Do you want to ________?
A: Unless you've just proposed that I lie on the couch and have people feed me things, probably not. No offense to you, but I've spent 40 weeks going to things and doing things. Now, I want to do nothing. You can come over and do nothing with me, if you want.
Q: Is there only one baby in there?!
A: Oh, shut up.
Q: How do you even stay upright with that belly?
A: I've got really, really strong legs. And shut up.
Q: Haven't you had that baby YET?
A: Actually, I did. This is just Thanksgiving dinner leftovers gone wrong. The baby is home with her French au pair. Of course I haven't!
Q: Are you still pregnant?
A: God, I hope so. Not being pregnant should neither look nor feel like this.
Again, I can't complain. This hasn't been all that bad. I'm just a little worn out and fairly sick of doing things. The next entry I write will either be in a week when I'm still pregnant and will be inappropriate for my younger readers because of the vulgarity, or will be an account of our baby Sophie's birth. I'm praying for the latter. You probably are too.
Hope you're well!
xo
Q: Are YOU still HERE? (This is usually asked of me every morning as I arrive at work.)
A: You can still see me, so...yes, I'm still here. I want every minute of my maternity leave to use after the baby is born. When I stop coming in to work, you'll know I'm not here. The biggest clue is that I WON'T BE HERE.
Q: Are you just super uncomfortable?
A: No, I am loving this extra weight attached to the front of me, along with the subsequent back and hip pain. Fat feet and swollen ankles feel amazing. It's better than chocolate. Yes, I'm kind of uncomfortable.
Q: Do you want to ________?
A: Unless you've just proposed that I lie on the couch and have people feed me things, probably not. No offense to you, but I've spent 40 weeks going to things and doing things. Now, I want to do nothing. You can come over and do nothing with me, if you want.
Q: Is there only one baby in there?!
A: Oh, shut up.
Q: How do you even stay upright with that belly?
A: I've got really, really strong legs. And shut up.
Q: Haven't you had that baby YET?
A: Actually, I did. This is just Thanksgiving dinner leftovers gone wrong. The baby is home with her French au pair. Of course I haven't!
Q: Are you still pregnant?
A: God, I hope so. Not being pregnant should neither look nor feel like this.
Again, I can't complain. This hasn't been all that bad. I'm just a little worn out and fairly sick of doing things. The next entry I write will either be in a week when I'm still pregnant and will be inappropriate for my younger readers because of the vulgarity, or will be an account of our baby Sophie's birth. I'm praying for the latter. You probably are too.
Hope you're well!
xo
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Eviction Notice
Imagine that I'm writing something very witty and clever about politics, or Occupy Wall Street or something. Imagine that I've just blown your mind with my social commentary, my insights on relevant news stories, or some piece of new philosophy about something deeply philosophical. You must imagine these things because I am, as of this moment, 39 weeks and 4.8 days pregnant. There is no insight to be had, no philosophy to be philosophized, nothing. I am a very pregnant person, and that's about it. My brain is 75% water and 25% GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME.
I shouldn't complain. I read a story earlier today about a couple who struggled for years to get pregnant and eventually spent their life's savings on countless rounds of IVF before having their baby. Chris and I are very, very, very lucky. But just for a second, I want to acknowledge that being 5'2" and having what they tell me is a watermelon-sized baby tucked within my abdomen is beginning to get a little bit uncomfortable. And now that the moment of self-pity has passed, let me describe the silver lining(s) to you: I can still sleep. I am still going to work. My doctor says things are progressing nicely. The baby's head was re-measured and is in the 35th percentile--NOT the 91st, as they guesstimated previously. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.
The other day, Chris and I decided to get this thing going. We went for a spicy curry lunch and then walked the mall for a couple of hours. Since I am writing this instead of rocking my infant daughter, you can be assured that neither of these things had any positive effect. We stopped by a Brookstone-type store and I sat in one of those big massage chairs. As my hand drifted towards the 'on' button, one of the employees appeared at my side as if summoned by magic. "Since you've got a little something in there," he said, gesturing loosely at my massive belly, "you can't sit in any of the massaging chairs. It's a store policy. Apparently, it can put you into early labor."
This time, it was Chris who jumped to answer. "But she's 39 weeks. It's OK for her to go into labor." I nodded. "Yeah, a little labor induction would be a great thing!" I said. The employee handled our desperation like a retail wizard by informing us the massaging chairs were on sale and we could purchase one to use for that purpose if we'd like. Instead, we left the store to continue our walking.
And still, no baby. I'm drinking some kind of smelly raspberry leaf tea, walking, doing lunges, and everything the books say to help get this thing going. I think she's just going to have to come out on her own time.
But if December third comes and goes uneventfully, I will definitely be returning to the store to buy that chair.
xo
I shouldn't complain. I read a story earlier today about a couple who struggled for years to get pregnant and eventually spent their life's savings on countless rounds of IVF before having their baby. Chris and I are very, very, very lucky. But just for a second, I want to acknowledge that being 5'2" and having what they tell me is a watermelon-sized baby tucked within my abdomen is beginning to get a little bit uncomfortable. And now that the moment of self-pity has passed, let me describe the silver lining(s) to you: I can still sleep. I am still going to work. My doctor says things are progressing nicely. The baby's head was re-measured and is in the 35th percentile--NOT the 91st, as they guesstimated previously. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.
The other day, Chris and I decided to get this thing going. We went for a spicy curry lunch and then walked the mall for a couple of hours. Since I am writing this instead of rocking my infant daughter, you can be assured that neither of these things had any positive effect. We stopped by a Brookstone-type store and I sat in one of those big massage chairs. As my hand drifted towards the 'on' button, one of the employees appeared at my side as if summoned by magic. "Since you've got a little something in there," he said, gesturing loosely at my massive belly, "you can't sit in any of the massaging chairs. It's a store policy. Apparently, it can put you into early labor."
This time, it was Chris who jumped to answer. "But she's 39 weeks. It's OK for her to go into labor." I nodded. "Yeah, a little labor induction would be a great thing!" I said. The employee handled our desperation like a retail wizard by informing us the massaging chairs were on sale and we could purchase one to use for that purpose if we'd like. Instead, we left the store to continue our walking.
And still, no baby. I'm drinking some kind of smelly raspberry leaf tea, walking, doing lunges, and everything the books say to help get this thing going. I think she's just going to have to come out on her own time.
But if December third comes and goes uneventfully, I will definitely be returning to the store to buy that chair.
xo
Monday, November 14, 2011
Sausage Feet and A Fertilized Egg
Yes, after a short hiatus from writing solely about The Baby, I'm going to write about her. This Saturday marked the beginning of what I'm calling "Any Day Now". Sophie is officially 37 weeks, which is what the medical community considers a full-term baby. My doctor said that after 36 weeks, they won't stop labor if it happens, but 37 weeks is the mark at which they also won't worry too much about the baby's breathing, and everything will probably be just fine without any medical dramatics.
So, we've passed that crucial point. I've been having some aches and pains that let me know that the baby might be here relatively soon. Chris is on high alert. He said that every time I text or call him during the day, he thinks I've gone into labor. Walking is somewhat painful a lot of the time, my pelvis feels like it's being slowly stretched apart, and my feet look like Barney Rubble's. Niiiiiice and puffy.
But those aren't the symptoms I'm paying the most attention to. No, the thing that I can't get off my mind is that I'm just ready to have this baby. Be it by c-section, by induction, by natural birth, I don't care. This pregnancy has gone past the point of cute or interesting, and is bordering on being a little disgusting. No belly skin should have to stretch this far. Twenty minutes of gentle yoga should not exhaust me. Sitting on the couch in a slightly awkward position should not warrant the application of Icy Hot to my lower back. It's been 37 weeks and 3 days. That's enough, I think.
I still love to feel her rolling around in there, still love the fact that she's coming, and still stand in her room, imagining her lying in the crib, or rocking her in the rocking chair, or reading little books to her, or putting her in all those adorable clothes we've been given. But now, the waiting has become irritating, like a sneeze that's been building up for 9 1/2 months but won't come out. People say, "Oh, are you so excited?" And I think, "Excited isn't the right word. I'm just ready." I've started trying to bribe her from the outside. I tell her things like, "Hey, if you come out now, I'll put you in this really cute elephant onesie and we'll listen to this Goldilocks and the 3 Bears record I bought you. It will be really fun..."
Part of this, I'm sure, is that I'm a little anxious about giving birth. From what I've heard, this is normal as I will be passing a small person out of my body and into the world. I think I have mentioned before how lucky I feel to be going through all of this in one of the most medically-advanced countries in the developed world, and I know that if I get too tired to go on during labor, or things aren't going well, there will be options to deliver the baby with little pain or danger to either of us. But it's the uncertainty. When is it going to happen? What will it feel like? Will she have my hair, or Chris's nose? And what if they give me a c-section and they end up cutting the baby, they way they cut fruit when they open a box with a box cutter? I'm just saying. These are the things running through my mind.
And so, in these last few weeks, if I seem distracted, please forgive me. I'm probably paying only half the attention I ought to be at any given moment...except when driving. I'm crazy-attentive while driving.
Hope you're well!
xo
So, we've passed that crucial point. I've been having some aches and pains that let me know that the baby might be here relatively soon. Chris is on high alert. He said that every time I text or call him during the day, he thinks I've gone into labor. Walking is somewhat painful a lot of the time, my pelvis feels like it's being slowly stretched apart, and my feet look like Barney Rubble's. Niiiiiice and puffy.
But those aren't the symptoms I'm paying the most attention to. No, the thing that I can't get off my mind is that I'm just ready to have this baby. Be it by c-section, by induction, by natural birth, I don't care. This pregnancy has gone past the point of cute or interesting, and is bordering on being a little disgusting. No belly skin should have to stretch this far. Twenty minutes of gentle yoga should not exhaust me. Sitting on the couch in a slightly awkward position should not warrant the application of Icy Hot to my lower back. It's been 37 weeks and 3 days. That's enough, I think.
I still love to feel her rolling around in there, still love the fact that she's coming, and still stand in her room, imagining her lying in the crib, or rocking her in the rocking chair, or reading little books to her, or putting her in all those adorable clothes we've been given. But now, the waiting has become irritating, like a sneeze that's been building up for 9 1/2 months but won't come out. People say, "Oh, are you so excited?" And I think, "Excited isn't the right word. I'm just ready." I've started trying to bribe her from the outside. I tell her things like, "Hey, if you come out now, I'll put you in this really cute elephant onesie and we'll listen to this Goldilocks and the 3 Bears record I bought you. It will be really fun..."
Part of this, I'm sure, is that I'm a little anxious about giving birth. From what I've heard, this is normal as I will be passing a small person out of my body and into the world. I think I have mentioned before how lucky I feel to be going through all of this in one of the most medically-advanced countries in the developed world, and I know that if I get too tired to go on during labor, or things aren't going well, there will be options to deliver the baby with little pain or danger to either of us. But it's the uncertainty. When is it going to happen? What will it feel like? Will she have my hair, or Chris's nose? And what if they give me a c-section and they end up cutting the baby, they way they cut fruit when they open a box with a box cutter? I'm just saying. These are the things running through my mind.
And so, in these last few weeks, if I seem distracted, please forgive me. I'm probably paying only half the attention I ought to be at any given moment...except when driving. I'm crazy-attentive while driving.
Hope you're well!
xo
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
58% Hippie
There comes a time in every person's life when you have to stop and ask yourself one of the most important questions when it comes to your identity: Am I a hippie?
Actually, scratch that. Not everyone has to ask themselves that. I have an uncle who, despite my familial love for him, drives me crazy with his right-wing politics. He doesn't have to ask himself that question. Neither does Chris's very conservative co-worker, who recently proposed to his girlfriend by hiding the ring a gun case. He is also exempt. And really, maybe this isn't a question most people need to ask themselves.
But I've been thinking about it recently, and have been asking myself that question. First of all, what does it take to consider oneself a hippie? Bare feet and dreadlocks? Hemp clothing? No job with a steady paycheck and/or a European attitude about social justice and hygiene?
We're having a baby soon (in case you didn't know), and I have found myself gravitating towards the most hippie of the baby care choices--cloth diapers, homemade baby food, drug-free labor (a near-impossibility at this point, due to the size of the baby's head), and daycare that serves organic, homemade meals. I even bought one of those cloth baby slings in which to tote the kid around town. I am one or two steps away from getting a henna belly tattoo and planting my placenta in my community garden plot. OK, not that last part.
Chris recently called me a hippie after being quoted in the Star Tribune's article(http://www.startribune.com/politics/statelocal/133406223.html) about Minnesotans' feelings about amending the state constitution to make gay marriage illegal. Guess how I feel about it? That's right, I don't like it! Do you want to know why? Because I think everyone should marry who they love, regardless of gender. Because I think that, if there is a God, he is shaking his head about how silly we're being about love. And because I believe in equality. If this makes me a hippie, well, then, where do I sign up for my standard-issue Birkenstocks?
Since it would be nearly impossible to reach an accurate conclusion on my own, I recently took an "Am I A Hippie?" quiz--feel free to do the same here: www.gotoquiz.com/are_you_a_hippie . Based on the fact that I drink low-fat, store bought milk (instead of raw), am not a vegetarian (anymore), live in an apartment (not a commune), plan to wear my baby (instead of use a stroller all the time), am liberal, and the fact that I sometimes enjoy reading poetry, I am considered 58% hippie.
That's plenty for me, I think. You won't find me dancing naked during a full moon or doing interpretive dances on the street for spare change, but you will find me in the kitchen, blending organic peas into a meal for baby Sophie. And I'll probably be barefoot.
xo
Actually, scratch that. Not everyone has to ask themselves that. I have an uncle who, despite my familial love for him, drives me crazy with his right-wing politics. He doesn't have to ask himself that question. Neither does Chris's very conservative co-worker, who recently proposed to his girlfriend by hiding the ring a gun case. He is also exempt. And really, maybe this isn't a question most people need to ask themselves.
But I've been thinking about it recently, and have been asking myself that question. First of all, what does it take to consider oneself a hippie? Bare feet and dreadlocks? Hemp clothing? No job with a steady paycheck and/or a European attitude about social justice and hygiene?
We're having a baby soon (in case you didn't know), and I have found myself gravitating towards the most hippie of the baby care choices--cloth diapers, homemade baby food, drug-free labor (a near-impossibility at this point, due to the size of the baby's head), and daycare that serves organic, homemade meals. I even bought one of those cloth baby slings in which to tote the kid around town. I am one or two steps away from getting a henna belly tattoo and planting my placenta in my community garden plot. OK, not that last part.
Chris recently called me a hippie after being quoted in the Star Tribune's article(http://www.startribune.com/politics/statelocal/133406223.html) about Minnesotans' feelings about amending the state constitution to make gay marriage illegal. Guess how I feel about it? That's right, I don't like it! Do you want to know why? Because I think everyone should marry who they love, regardless of gender. Because I think that, if there is a God, he is shaking his head about how silly we're being about love. And because I believe in equality. If this makes me a hippie, well, then, where do I sign up for my standard-issue Birkenstocks?
Since it would be nearly impossible to reach an accurate conclusion on my own, I recently took an "Am I A Hippie?" quiz--feel free to do the same here: www.gotoquiz.com/are_you_a_hippie . Based on the fact that I drink low-fat, store bought milk (instead of raw), am not a vegetarian (anymore), live in an apartment (not a commune), plan to wear my baby (instead of use a stroller all the time), am liberal, and the fact that I sometimes enjoy reading poetry, I am considered 58% hippie.
That's plenty for me, I think. You won't find me dancing naked during a full moon or doing interpretive dances on the street for spare change, but you will find me in the kitchen, blending organic peas into a meal for baby Sophie. And I'll probably be barefoot.
xo
Monday, November 7, 2011
Like Crazy? You Betcha.
Chris and I decided to spend part of our lazy Sunday at the movies. We had seen a trailer for a movie called 'Like Crazy', which depicts the unfolding of an international, long-distance relationship between a British girl and an American guy.
Admittedly, Chris and I have become long-distance relationship snobs. I don't think either of us would deny that we're proud of the job we did holding this thing together for all this time, despite uncertainty and expensive flights and a 6-hour time difference and well-meaning advice all that. I, at least, went into the movie with the hopes that they'd show a couple like us who had managed to make it work, and that I'd be able to leave feeling warm and fuzzy about my own difficult-to-make-work relationship.
(And just so you know, I'm totally going to ruin this movie for you. So, if you're wanting to see it, stop reading now.)
So, the story goes that the British girl is over on a student visa, and she develops feelings for one of her classmates. They start spending all their time together on awkward-looking, indie-romance dates and basically just looking at each other for ever-increasing periods of time. Then her visa runs out. She's planning on going home for the summer, then returning on a visitor's visa. At the last minute, she decides, "You know what? Actually, I'm just going to overstay my visa for a few months, go home to England for a week for a wedding, and THEN come back on a visitor's visa." Which, don't even get me started on this, is THE dumbest plan ever, immigration-wise. Just like New Yorkers with tiny studio apartments, countries hate when people stay too long without asking first.
So, she goes back to England for a week, then tries to come back to the US, where she is greeted by Homeland Security and sent directly back home. She can't even leave the airport. So, this "couple" gets all mopey and subsequently enter this pathetic, downward relationship spiral in which they each start dating other people (and pretty seriously, might I add), only to text each other when the going gets tough and they "miss" one another. He flies over there after breaking up with his girlfriend, and this "couple" gets married in front of a judge in London. They then need to be apart for 6 months to fulfill some visa requirement. Each of them resumes their relationship with their 'other people'. Their lives go on. They even seem happy-ish without one another. They barely talk. Then, their immigration forms go through, her visa works out and she is able to move from England to America. Before this happens, her 'other boyfriend' proposes. An awkward conversation is depicted, and then a few days later, she flies to America and moves in with her American husband. The viewer is left to assume that they are now together, but sort of miserable. The last shot is of them hugging awkwardly, each of them with a "What the hell did we DO?" look on their face.
Needless to say, Chris and I both became sort of irritated by this movie. What, another cinematic depiction of international love gone wrong? Is that what's needed? We both decided that a story like ours would probably never be turned into a movie because, after a pretty tough start, it ended up with us married and about to have a baby. Moviegoers apparently aren't jonesing for a happy ending. And besides, the story of our relationship, from its quick start to our happy ending is a little unbelievable. Even I'd roll my eyes and say, "Yeah, right!" if I saw the movie version.
But it obviously can be done, and we're proof. So, I've devised a list of rules to follow if you find yourself in an international, long-distance relationship.
Admittedly, Chris and I have become long-distance relationship snobs. I don't think either of us would deny that we're proud of the job we did holding this thing together for all this time, despite uncertainty and expensive flights and a 6-hour time difference and well-meaning advice all that. I, at least, went into the movie with the hopes that they'd show a couple like us who had managed to make it work, and that I'd be able to leave feeling warm and fuzzy about my own difficult-to-make-work relationship.
(And just so you know, I'm totally going to ruin this movie for you. So, if you're wanting to see it, stop reading now.)
So, the story goes that the British girl is over on a student visa, and she develops feelings for one of her classmates. They start spending all their time together on awkward-looking, indie-romance dates and basically just looking at each other for ever-increasing periods of time. Then her visa runs out. She's planning on going home for the summer, then returning on a visitor's visa. At the last minute, she decides, "You know what? Actually, I'm just going to overstay my visa for a few months, go home to England for a week for a wedding, and THEN come back on a visitor's visa." Which, don't even get me started on this, is THE dumbest plan ever, immigration-wise. Just like New Yorkers with tiny studio apartments, countries hate when people stay too long without asking first.
So, she goes back to England for a week, then tries to come back to the US, where she is greeted by Homeland Security and sent directly back home. She can't even leave the airport. So, this "couple" gets all mopey and subsequently enter this pathetic, downward relationship spiral in which they each start dating other people (and pretty seriously, might I add), only to text each other when the going gets tough and they "miss" one another. He flies over there after breaking up with his girlfriend, and this "couple" gets married in front of a judge in London. They then need to be apart for 6 months to fulfill some visa requirement. Each of them resumes their relationship with their 'other people'. Their lives go on. They even seem happy-ish without one another. They barely talk. Then, their immigration forms go through, her visa works out and she is able to move from England to America. Before this happens, her 'other boyfriend' proposes. An awkward conversation is depicted, and then a few days later, she flies to America and moves in with her American husband. The viewer is left to assume that they are now together, but sort of miserable. The last shot is of them hugging awkwardly, each of them with a "What the hell did we DO?" look on their face.
Needless to say, Chris and I both became sort of irritated by this movie. What, another cinematic depiction of international love gone wrong? Is that what's needed? We both decided that a story like ours would probably never be turned into a movie because, after a pretty tough start, it ended up with us married and about to have a baby. Moviegoers apparently aren't jonesing for a happy ending. And besides, the story of our relationship, from its quick start to our happy ending is a little unbelievable. Even I'd roll my eyes and say, "Yeah, right!" if I saw the movie version.
But it obviously can be done, and we're proof. So, I've devised a list of rules to follow if you find yourself in an international, long-distance relationship.
The Rules
1. DO NOT VIOLATE THE TERMS OF ANY VISA YOU MAY HAVE. Student, travel, work--they're all set in stone, according to your respective countries. You will kick yourself later if you get banned from their country, or they get banned from yours. You really will. Of course, if you do decide to get married on a visitor's visa, there are ways to do it. But, generally speaking, don't violate your visa.
2. Don't date other people. If you're going to do this, really do it. If it's not worth giving up dating, it's not worth it.
3. Evaluate whether or not you're willing to be incredibly uncomfortable for a long time, possible until it works out (which could be months or years), or until the relationship falls apart. This may also take months or years.
4. Talk every day. If you can't talk every day, send messages about why you can't talk, and then make it a top priority to talk the next day. Yes. Every. Single. Day. For months or years. Whatever you've got going on, drop it for 15 minutes or so and call this person. Just do it.
5. Find a way to spend "normal" time with the person. Start a movie at the same time and talk on the phone or even over instant messaging while you watch it. Cook together over the phone, even if you're just pouring a bowl of cereal and the other person is making dinner.
6. Don't watch 'Like Crazy'. You might end up thinking that things like this never work out.
7. Also, don't listen to any naysayers who tell you this can't work out. Either they've seen 'Like Crazy', or they're jealous that you're dating someone with a cool accent and they're not. Or they might just think they're acting in your best interest. Either way, if you think this has got a shot, give it the best shot you've got. If it works out, you've got a great love story. If it doesn't, you've got a great story to tell while drunk, or to get out of a bad date.
Hope you're well!
xo
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