Dear Upstairs Neighbor,
What the flip is going on up there? Lately, I've been hearing a noise I can't really describe coming from your apartment. It's a noise like a lead pipe being banged against the side of a bathtub, combined with the sound of sloshing water, combined with the sound of a shower curtain sliding open. What is that? And before you say "It's my shower, stupid", please keep in mind that it is the sound of metal on porcelain and the sheer volume that baffles me. It makes me think that there is no way it could simply be your shower. Please keep this in mind while you consider your answer.
Also, do you have a loud, heavy-footed cat living up there with you? If not, I think there is a family of obese, yet spry, squirrels living in my ceiling. Something excitable and heavy is having a good time above me. Please, please, let it be your cat.
One more thing, and then I'll let you get back to...well, whatever it is that you're doing to make that noise. I like Halloween as much as the next person. I even put out a small pumpkin to show my enthusiasm for the season. But you, Neighbor, have decorated to a new level. It's as if your great, great, great grandfather founded Halloween, and the enthusiasm is part of your heritage. Actually, it looks as though the seasonal section of Jo-Ann Fabric has been re-located to your front window. Ten window clings? Great! Fifty-eight window clings? Yikes. Fifty-eight window clings, fake spider webs, tiny pumpkin lights and little Kleenex ghosts? Mental illness.
Well, Neighbor, I hope you're well. We'll meet in the hallway someday soon, I'm sure. You may be you'll be dressed as a warlock or Harry Potter or a flying monkey. Maybe we can continue this discussion in person at that time.
Sincerely,
Your Downstairs Neighbor
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