No Place Like Home

Oh, wow. This weekend really blew my hair back. It was crazy-fun.

OK, no, not really. It was a typical weekend with a baby, which means lots of walking with the stroller, washing some diapers, and passing out around 9:30 on a Saturday night. Sigh...

No, it's alright. Weekends are nice because Chris is home, which means that I get to take a loooong shower twice, and, of course, I get to see him a lot. I will say, though, that's it's been awhile since we went out anywhere. The other day, I put on a pair of high heels to see if they still fit and ended up tottering around like a teenager. Definitely a sign that my feet, and the rest of me, are forgetting how to go all out. But that's OK. I had a bunch of years where being up at 3AM would have been an indication of an amazing night out, and not just the start of a long, long day like it would be now. I'm 29 now, so it's OK that things are mellow.

Things are so mellow here, in fact, that Chris and I have decided that we need to really settle into our new lifestyle. That's right--I'm talking house-fence-dog settled. We've been looking at houses for a few weeks now, and my god, we've found the perfect one. You know how they say that you will just know the right house when you see it? That did not happen with this house. I walked in and immediately thought, 'This is too nice!' I remember bounding from room to room in amazement, blurting out things like, "Whoa!" and "We can afford this?!" It's crazy-good. We're working on it.

But this last weekend, we were looking at some other houses. We first looked at this house that literally made me feel like I was in a scene from Trainspotting. You know how when you take pictures down from the wall and the space under the picture is darker than the rest of the wall because the paint has faded? This house had the opposite thing happening--the walls were so filthy that the paintings had been acting as a dirt-shield. The walls around the pale spaces where the pictures had been were a dingy, rotten orange. The bathroom looked as though crack addicts had been living in it. The kitchen looked like the backroom of a restaurant that should have been condemned. It was revolting. I felt guilty having the baby in there. I also felt slightly better about the clutter in our own small apartment, like I do after watching an episode of Hoarders. We're not buying that one.

Anyway, that's all that has been on my mind lately, other than the baby. She is ridiculously cute lately--all smiley and squealing. She is getting more and more fun every day. I hope we can buy her a house soon.

OK, I hope everything is going well with you! Take it easy!

xo

Homeward Bound

I can't remember the last time I wrote, which is probably a bad sign. It probably also means that no one is reading this, except for Ken. Hi, Ken. How's New Hampshire? (For anyone else reading this, my friend Ken just moved to New Hampshire to work on the campaign to re-elect Obama. It's pretty awesome.) It was actually Ken who oh-so-gently reminded me that I am a stay-at-home mom, so I should be able to update my blog. So, here I am.

Yup, that's right. I am a stay-at-home mom now. Basically, I went back to work for about a week and then decided that, nope, that wasn't going to happen. I put in my notice midway through my second week, worked for another 2 weeks after that, and have been home ever since.

It was a tough decision to make, actually, for a lot of reasons. First, Chris and I had to sit down and hammer out a budget to see if we could financially swing this change. Then, we had to decide if it was the best thing in the long run. This was a much easier choice to make. Sophie was just not the same when she was going to daycare. And yes, I know, she was only there for a month. But the thing is, when we'd go in to pick her up, she'd just be sitting there, alone, staring. When I crouched down to pick her up, she'd look up at me in this sad, passive way and did not smile. She'd conk out at 7 PM, giving me about 2 hours with my baby. Not nearly enough time. I've got a lot to teach this kid and a lot of love to give her, and 2 hours a day is not enough for this.

In addition to this, both Chris and I had incredibly long days. My day usually started before 5AM and included pumping milk during all downtime and no lunch break. Believe me when I say that it was not a treat to spend time with me during the four weeks in which Sophie was in day care. The baby was getting me for two hours a day, and they were not cute hours. And Chris...well, he's a trooper. Let's just say he was more than happy for me to stay home.

And so I did. It's a tough thing to do, actually, because I'm seeing my friends go off and do all these exciting things and advance in their careers, and here I sit. It actually turned out that I had been looking down the barrel of a promotion to middle management in my former position--a bullet I narrowly avoided that ended up getting the next-senior employee at work. It all worked out.

So, now my days are full of baby. I thought I'd be more sad about missing out on work, but I am decidedly not. I've got some things up my sleeve, including picking up a few evening shifts at the hospital and putting in a bid to teach a community education class in the fall, but for the most part, I'm just mom. The baby's happy about that, so I'm all good.

Being a mom has been amazing. Even writing that sentence seems trite. This baby is so incredibly amazing to me, and the fact that she has been entrusted to me astounds me. I have never been so acutely aware of my own strengths and weaknesses, or been so proud of my body, or so grateful to be alive. Life is infinitely more simple now that she is here. Before, there was all this pressure (usually from within) to do things, to make things or do things or be things. And now, all of that is white noise in the background, and the only thing that matters to me, really, is that the baby is OK. As long as she is OK, I'm doing exactly what I need to do. It's a relief.

On the other hand, I have never been so excited for the future. Anything I do, anywhere I go, she'll be there, and that's exciting and reassuring. I can't fully explain the feeling. I'll just stop trying.

Anyway, that's about all I have right now. Sorry, Ken--next time it will be a funny post! But shouldn't you be working to re-elect the president now, anyway?

xo