Yup, that's right. I am a stay-at-home mom now. Basically, I went back to work for about a week and then decided that, nope, that wasn't going to happen. I put in my notice midway through my second week, worked for another 2 weeks after that, and have been home ever since.
It was a tough decision to make, actually, for a lot of reasons. First, Chris and I had to sit down and hammer out a budget to see if we could financially swing this change. Then, we had to decide if it was the best thing in the long run. This was a much easier choice to make. Sophie was just not the same when she was going to daycare. And yes, I know, she was only there for a month. But the thing is, when we'd go in to pick her up, she'd just be sitting there, alone, staring. When I crouched down to pick her up, she'd look up at me in this sad, passive way and did not smile. She'd conk out at 7 PM, giving me about 2 hours with my baby. Not nearly enough time. I've got a lot to teach this kid and a lot of love to give her, and 2 hours a day is not enough for this.
In addition to this, both Chris and I had incredibly long days. My day usually started before 5AM and included pumping milk during all downtime and no lunch break. Believe me when I say that it was not a treat to spend time with me during the four weeks in which Sophie was in day care. The baby was getting me for two hours a day, and they were not cute hours. And Chris...well, he's a trooper. Let's just say he was more than happy for me to stay home.
And so I did. It's a tough thing to do, actually, because I'm seeing my friends go off and do all these exciting things and advance in their careers, and here I sit. It actually turned out that I had been looking down the barrel of a promotion to middle management in my former position--a bullet I narrowly avoided that ended up getting the next-senior employee at work. It all worked out.
So, now my days are full of baby. I thought I'd be more sad about missing out on work, but I am decidedly not. I've got some things up my sleeve, including picking up a few evening shifts at the hospital and putting in a bid to teach a community education class in the fall, but for the most part, I'm just mom. The baby's happy about that, so I'm all good.
Being a mom has been amazing. Even writing that sentence seems trite. This baby is so incredibly amazing to me, and the fact that she has been entrusted to me astounds me. I have never been so acutely aware of my own strengths and weaknesses, or been so proud of my body, or so grateful to be alive. Life is infinitely more simple now that she is here. Before, there was all this pressure (usually from within) to do things, to make things or do things or be things. And now, all of that is white noise in the background, and the only thing that matters to me, really, is that the baby is OK. As long as she is OK, I'm doing exactly what I need to do. It's a relief.
On the other hand, I have never been so excited for the future. Anything I do, anywhere I go, she'll be there, and that's exciting and reassuring. I can't fully explain the feeling. I'll just stop trying.
Anyway, that's about all I have right now. Sorry, Ken--next time it will be a funny post! But shouldn't you be working to re-elect the president now, anyway?
xo
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