One, Two, Three, and Sometimes Four

Here is a list of ten truths about parenting a toddler and a newborn that I learned in the first few months that might be helpful if you are about to find yourself in the same position:

1. On day one of not showering, you feel somewhat European. On day two, you may feel a little edgy, like a rock star on tour or something. On day three, it's a crisis. Find a way to have a shower at least three times a week.

2. Your toddler will only want to interact with you when you are nursing the newborn. When the newborn is sleeping, he or she will pretend you don't exist.

3. Your toddler will hate that you are holding the baby, yet will scream or babble loudly in the vicinity of the baby whenever the baby is sleeping, thus forcing you to hold the baby. Your logical explanation of this to the toddler will be promptly ignored.

4. You may start to wonder why people find having just one child so stressful in a very smug way. Then, you remember your grandma had six kids and realize those people think that you getting stressed out about two is ridiculous. The only person who can legitimately complain about how many kids she has is Feodor Vassilyeva, who holds the world record for most children born. She had 69 kids. Aaahhh, perspective.

5. Even without 69 children, you will never pee, drink, eat, or do anything on the bottom of Maslow's hierarchy of needs when you need or want to do them. And you will never do those things without an audience.

6. You can nurse a baby and make a grilled cheese sandwich. And you will. Probably during your first week home from the hospital.

7. Crumbs on the floor/counter/toddler's clothes and/or face will not bother you as much anymore. Stains on your own clothing? Who cares? Tomato sauce on the carpet? Over it before it spilled!

8. Your toddler will pick this time to demonstrate that he or she is ready for some other major life transition. In our case, the toddler showed us during a bedtime meltdown that she could throw herself out of her crib, necessitating the transition to a big-girl bed. Now, she's starting to show interest in potty training. Where was this developmental inertia when I was 4 months pregnant?!

9. Getting the two of them to nap at the same time will start to remind you of that scene in Indiana Jones where he scrambles under that door that is coming down, then reaches out and is just barely able to grab his hat. Sometimes, the toddler is just starting to drift off when the newborn starts to squirm. There's a moment of "is this even possible?" and a rush of adrenaline. Oh, yes. I'm living on the edge here.

10. Coffee in the morning is like sanity medicine. Just drink it. Even if you don't think you like or need it, you do need it and you will like the way it makes everything feel a little softer, a little easier. And, pretty soon, your partner may realize it's in everyone's best interest if they just have it ready for you when you stumble into the kitchen, Bonus!

In Training

There is quite a bit of information about preparing for your life with a new baby out there. Tips for pregnancy, ideas to help labor and delivery go smoothly, and ways to nurture yourself and your baby during the postpartum months. What is lacking, however, are tips on how to get through the mundane, day-to-day things you do with your toddler. So, I developed a rigorous, one-week training program for those parents whose children are about to enter toddlerhood.

Life With Toddler Training Program

 Mealtimes: To train for mealtimes with a toddler, enlist your partner or a friend's help for a week. Put a Lazy Susan on their chair and have them sit and spin on it throughout the mealtime. Set a timer to go off every 45 seconds, then have them drop one of their utensils and/or knock over their cup. Have them choose one food from each meal to suddenly not like. Ask them to cry whenever you make a reasonable request. Do this for 3 meals a day for one full week. At the end of the week, if you've managed not to bang your fist on the table AND have eaten enough to keep you from starving, you've passed this phase of the training.

Any Time You Need to Clean Something, Get Dressed, Pee, or Turn Your Attention Away From the Toddler: Program a Roomba (one of those automatic vacuuming robots) to work in reverse. Instead of sucking up crumbs, it will leave a trail behind it. When it gently bumps into a wall, instead of changing directions, it should spray milk everywhere. Program it to knock into dressers and cabinets with so much force that everything inside spills onto the floor. If it gets stuck somewhere, instead of turning around, it should emit a high-pitched squeal and begin to follow you at close range. The noise should increase when you try move away from it. If you manage not to shout, you've passed this phase of the training.

Tantrums: Find a feral cat with claws. Attempt to put the cat in a bathtub full of cold water. In order to pass this phase, you must actually wash the cat from nose to tail. Do this before each mealtime and any time you really, really need to go somewhere at a certain time. Also do this at the end of the day right before bedtime. Bonus points if the feral cat can scream, "NOOOO!" loud enough to concern the neighbors. If you manage not to cry or shout, you've passed this phase of the training.

Sleep: Enlist your partner or friend's help again. Give them two cups of strong coffee and ask them to get into some pajamas of their choosing. They should not choose any of the pajamas and instead begin to cry about...something. Their choice. Take that handy feral cat and attempt to bathe it again while your "fake toddler" runs around the house asking for snacks and jumps on a bed. Then, when everything seems to be falling into place and the "toddler" and the cat are both quiet, set off the smoke alarm. Start the process over. If you manage to get through this experience without shouting, you've passed the final phase of the training process and can now go to bed...for the night. Then you have to do it all again tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day. And...you get it.*

*If you are preparing for life with a toddler and a baby, complete this training program while holding a 20-pound bag of sand. Set a timer to go off every hour and sit on the couch with the bag of sand for 15 minutes while your "Roomba toddler" goes to work on your house while you are immobilized. Fill a squirt bottle with a mixture of old yogurt and water. Set another timer to go off every 10 minutes, then spray yourself randomly with this mixture.