In Training

There is quite a bit of information about preparing for your life with a new baby out there. Tips for pregnancy, ideas to help labor and delivery go smoothly, and ways to nurture yourself and your baby during the postpartum months. What is lacking, however, are tips on how to get through the mundane, day-to-day things you do with your toddler. So, I developed a rigorous, one-week training program for those parents whose children are about to enter toddlerhood.

Life With Toddler Training Program

 Mealtimes: To train for mealtimes with a toddler, enlist your partner or a friend's help for a week. Put a Lazy Susan on their chair and have them sit and spin on it throughout the mealtime. Set a timer to go off every 45 seconds, then have them drop one of their utensils and/or knock over their cup. Have them choose one food from each meal to suddenly not like. Ask them to cry whenever you make a reasonable request. Do this for 3 meals a day for one full week. At the end of the week, if you've managed not to bang your fist on the table AND have eaten enough to keep you from starving, you've passed this phase of the training.

Any Time You Need to Clean Something, Get Dressed, Pee, or Turn Your Attention Away From the Toddler: Program a Roomba (one of those automatic vacuuming robots) to work in reverse. Instead of sucking up crumbs, it will leave a trail behind it. When it gently bumps into a wall, instead of changing directions, it should spray milk everywhere. Program it to knock into dressers and cabinets with so much force that everything inside spills onto the floor. If it gets stuck somewhere, instead of turning around, it should emit a high-pitched squeal and begin to follow you at close range. The noise should increase when you try move away from it. If you manage not to shout, you've passed this phase of the training.

Tantrums: Find a feral cat with claws. Attempt to put the cat in a bathtub full of cold water. In order to pass this phase, you must actually wash the cat from nose to tail. Do this before each mealtime and any time you really, really need to go somewhere at a certain time. Also do this at the end of the day right before bedtime. Bonus points if the feral cat can scream, "NOOOO!" loud enough to concern the neighbors. If you manage not to cry or shout, you've passed this phase of the training.

Sleep: Enlist your partner or friend's help again. Give them two cups of strong coffee and ask them to get into some pajamas of their choosing. They should not choose any of the pajamas and instead begin to cry about...something. Their choice. Take that handy feral cat and attempt to bathe it again while your "fake toddler" runs around the house asking for snacks and jumps on a bed. Then, when everything seems to be falling into place and the "toddler" and the cat are both quiet, set off the smoke alarm. Start the process over. If you manage to get through this experience without shouting, you've passed the final phase of the training process and can now go to bed...for the night. Then you have to do it all again tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day. And...you get it.*

*If you are preparing for life with a toddler and a baby, complete this training program while holding a 20-pound bag of sand. Set a timer to go off every hour and sit on the couch with the bag of sand for 15 minutes while your "Roomba toddler" goes to work on your house while you are immobilized. Fill a squirt bottle with a mixture of old yogurt and water. Set another timer to go off every 10 minutes, then spray yourself randomly with this mixture.