Admittedly, Chris and I have become long-distance relationship snobs. I don't think either of us would deny that we're proud of the job we did holding this thing together for all this time, despite uncertainty and expensive flights and a 6-hour time difference and well-meaning advice all that. I, at least, went into the movie with the hopes that they'd show a couple like us who had managed to make it work, and that I'd be able to leave feeling warm and fuzzy about my own difficult-to-make-work relationship.
(And just so you know, I'm totally going to ruin this movie for you. So, if you're wanting to see it, stop reading now.)
So, the story goes that the British girl is over on a student visa, and she develops feelings for one of her classmates. They start spending all their time together on awkward-looking, indie-romance dates and basically just looking at each other for ever-increasing periods of time. Then her visa runs out. She's planning on going home for the summer, then returning on a visitor's visa. At the last minute, she decides, "You know what? Actually, I'm just going to overstay my visa for a few months, go home to England for a week for a wedding, and THEN come back on a visitor's visa." Which, don't even get me started on this, is THE dumbest plan ever, immigration-wise. Just like New Yorkers with tiny studio apartments, countries hate when people stay too long without asking first.
So, she goes back to England for a week, then tries to come back to the US, where she is greeted by Homeland Security and sent directly back home. She can't even leave the airport. So, this "couple" gets all mopey and subsequently enter this pathetic, downward relationship spiral in which they each start dating other people (and pretty seriously, might I add), only to text each other when the going gets tough and they "miss" one another. He flies over there after breaking up with his girlfriend, and this "couple" gets married in front of a judge in London. They then need to be apart for 6 months to fulfill some visa requirement. Each of them resumes their relationship with their 'other people'. Their lives go on. They even seem happy-ish without one another. They barely talk. Then, their immigration forms go through, her visa works out and she is able to move from England to America. Before this happens, her 'other boyfriend' proposes. An awkward conversation is depicted, and then a few days later, she flies to America and moves in with her American husband. The viewer is left to assume that they are now together, but sort of miserable. The last shot is of them hugging awkwardly, each of them with a "What the hell did we DO?" look on their face.
Needless to say, Chris and I both became sort of irritated by this movie. What, another cinematic depiction of international love gone wrong? Is that what's needed? We both decided that a story like ours would probably never be turned into a movie because, after a pretty tough start, it ended up with us married and about to have a baby. Moviegoers apparently aren't jonesing for a happy ending. And besides, the story of our relationship, from its quick start to our happy ending is a little unbelievable. Even I'd roll my eyes and say, "Yeah, right!" if I saw the movie version.
But it obviously can be done, and we're proof. So, I've devised a list of rules to follow if you find yourself in an international, long-distance relationship.
The Rules
1. DO NOT VIOLATE THE TERMS OF ANY VISA YOU MAY HAVE. Student, travel, work--they're all set in stone, according to your respective countries. You will kick yourself later if you get banned from their country, or they get banned from yours. You really will. Of course, if you do decide to get married on a visitor's visa, there are ways to do it. But, generally speaking, don't violate your visa.
2. Don't date other people. If you're going to do this, really do it. If it's not worth giving up dating, it's not worth it.
3. Evaluate whether or not you're willing to be incredibly uncomfortable for a long time, possible until it works out (which could be months or years), or until the relationship falls apart. This may also take months or years.
4. Talk every day. If you can't talk every day, send messages about why you can't talk, and then make it a top priority to talk the next day. Yes. Every. Single. Day. For months or years. Whatever you've got going on, drop it for 15 minutes or so and call this person. Just do it.
5. Find a way to spend "normal" time with the person. Start a movie at the same time and talk on the phone or even over instant messaging while you watch it. Cook together over the phone, even if you're just pouring a bowl of cereal and the other person is making dinner.
6. Don't watch 'Like Crazy'. You might end up thinking that things like this never work out.
7. Also, don't listen to any naysayers who tell you this can't work out. Either they've seen 'Like Crazy', or they're jealous that you're dating someone with a cool accent and they're not. Or they might just think they're acting in your best interest. Either way, if you think this has got a shot, give it the best shot you've got. If it works out, you've got a great love story. If it doesn't, you've got a great story to tell while drunk, or to get out of a bad date.
Hope you're well!
xo
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