Weird at Work

Mental health is a field widely-known for attracting colorful characters. My office works barely, just barely, in the mental health field but does not lack for weirdos. Unlike in some other mental health jobs I've had, these weirdos are safe and lovable...like kittens or Beanie Babies. Here are some of my favorites:

Ho-Hum Secretary
This woman's only response to "How are you?" is "It's been a loooong day." In fact, you don't even have to ask her how she is. She'll just tell you. Sometimes all it takes is a little eye contact, and she's launching into how crappy her day has been, or how slowly the week is going, or how confusing some new system is, or how rude someone just was to her over the phone. Sometimes I want to say something to the effect of "Hey, it's not that I don't care, but I'm just walking past your desk on my way to the bathroom", but I never do. And now that I'm pregnant and therefore peeing every 40 seconds, I have to pass by her desk and hear about how mopey and anxious she is just as often. (And no, she is not clinically depressed or anything. Just very ho-hum. Yes, I'm sure.)

Three-Piece Suit
This doctor wears a three piece suit every single day, winter or summer, rain or shine, planned interaction with the public or not. He also acts like someone who should be wearing a three piece suit all the time. He's incredibly chivalrous, is incredibly polite and cheerful, and is about as anal retentive as they come. One time, he was in a meeting room I had reserved and had taped up about a thousand huge sheets of paper on the walls. I offered to help take them down (keep in mind, they were literally just sheets of paper with magic marker writing on them), and he said, "No! It's probably best if you don't touch them." I guess clean hands and 5 years of education don't qualify me to touch his papers.

Musical Doctor (aka, The Original Hipster)
This doctor listens to great music, gave me tickets to the New Pornographers because he wanted to spend time with his dog before having to have it put down, rides a scooter to work on nice days, and accidentally sent me an email in which he referred to his co-workers as 'losers'. He also has a mustache and is very tall, awkward, and lanky. He's not that great during social interactions, either. I like to think he grows his own pot, listens to vinyl, and lives in the upstairs of a duplex, but he probably lives with his wife in the 'burbs and has a vegetable garden. Still interesting.

Perpetually Hungover Billing Lady
I'm not here to say that this woman has a drinking problem or anything like that, but I think she is always recovering from the weekend, even on Wednesday. She's got amazing hair--like a 50's hairdo sprayed solid and cut down the middle with a headband--and the skinniest legs I've ever seen on an adult. I'm not kidding, her legs are as thin as my arms, and she's very round from the waist up. She likes to wear stretch pants and big t-shirts. Her voice sounds like she's been smoking since conception. Her laugh startles me sometimes, especially when it descends into a hacking cough that lasts for several minutes. There a picture on her desk of a horse, photographed sort of from the backside. One day I asked, "Is that your horse?" She started laughing her crazy, hacking cackle and shouted, "NO! MY EX-HUSBAND!" She subsists exclusively on pickle juice, hard candy, and Ramen noodles. Seriously, she said so.

The Loud One
In the office just around the corner, there lives a loud woman who thinks everyone else is kind of a moron. She tells high-volume, intense stories about the idiots who dare to show her houses she might like to buy, her future in-laws, and the people helping her to plan her wedding. My co-worker sits unfortunately close to the doorway and often has to shut the door to keep this woman's voice from carrying over the phone while she speaks with our patients. A few weeks ago, the door to our office was closed right away on Monday morning. When I opened it, my co-worker said, "I heard her say on Friday that she was going shopping for new kitchen cabinets over the weekend, and I can't listen to that this morning." She likes to wear Vikings jerseys to work. I know this woman better than I know most of my close friends...and I'm not even sure she knows my name.

Hope you're well!
xo