5. How wild and free other people get when talking about pregnant women. Yeah, comment about my size. Go ahead, ask me if I'm about to pop. Sure, make a weird comment about my body, even though it's doing something pretty difficult and amazing. No, that's totally fine. Yeah, that's normal. It's allll normal.
4. How amazing I'd find it all. I'm not one of those 'life is a miracle' people (yet), because we don't really say that about any other animal. No one is saying, "Wow, look at all those baby snakes. What a miracle." Or, "Wow, look at all those tadpoles. It's a miracle!" We usually just say that about ourselves. But the other day, Chris and I were just kind of marvelling at how, right now, there is a little person living inside me that is made up of both of us. She used to be the size of a period on a page, and now she's the size of a cabbage, and I really didn't have to do much except wait for it to happen. That's just...that's just crazy!
3. How absolutely crazy and protective I am becoming already. I looked at 12 daycare centers before finally choosing one. And even though the one we decided on seems like a safe, nurturing environment, the thought of leaving my baby there makes me want to throw up. I tested myself by imagining leaving her at any of the centers and had the same result. Also, I am not-so-secretly hoping that our elderly pet rat, Winston, kicks it before the baby comes. The thought of a smelly, dirty rat in our apartment with our fresh, sweet newborn is not one I want to have. If he's still around, it's OK, I'm just saying that I'm not going to be too shaken up if he happens to pass away peacefully in his sleep. Sorry, Chris. I love him, but...gross.
2. How much it would make me think about my own parents. I imagine them going through all of the things that Chris and I are--all the uncertainty, all the excitement, and the throwing up (my god, the throwing up!)--and I think that someone felt the way I feel about Sophie about me, and someone got just as excited about me kicking them in the ribs, and someone worried about how I was doing 'on the inside' like I worry about my baby. It makes me appreciate even more that life is a cycle, and I was, and am, very lucky to be loved like that.
1. How ready/not ready I am to be a mom. I know that for the time being, my responsibilities as a mom are to eat well, continue to not drink/smoke/do drugs/eat deli meat and predatory fish, but soon, that list will expand. The first year or two is basically about keeping the kid alive, warm, dry, fed, and watered, and I think I can do that stuff. Yes, I'll be tired. Yes, I'll be cranky. Yes, I'll probably write insomniac blog postings that make little sense while breastfeeding at 3AM. But I think I can do that. It's the stuff that comes afterwards that makes me nervous. Stuff like if my kid asks questions I don't know the answer to, or asks about what happens when you die, or why bad things happen to good people, or if she can't make friends at her new school, or if she is bad at math, or if she gets rejected by someone/a school/a job that is important to her. I can tell her what I think about those things, but I don't want that to automatically become what she thinks. That's really important to me, and I don't know how to do that yet.
I have a lot to learn. My hope is that when this kid comes out, I'll get to know her and be able to be what she needs whenever she needs it. And if I can't, she'll have to talk to her dad. And if he doesn't know, she'll probably be asking some of you for help. Just a warning.
xo
No comments:
Post a Comment